Bubbles

I am totally having a deleting problem today… i can not, or i refuse to allow myself to finish writing out my thoughts… I know that this is supposed to be MY space and MY blog, etc… But i can never just go completely crazy and cuss out the entire world or say the exact thing on my mind half of the time because i KNOW that my friends are reading it. Don’t take this wrong, i do not care that we share this space… just sometimes i want to scream with what is in my head…. and i can’t.

My thoughts keep my awake at night and i find myself in a strange daze over the stove sometimes… laundry gets done and i don’t remember doing it. But the same cup that i asked Gavin to pick up yesterday is still there… how does that happen?? I can not walk past a lint ball without picking it up and there was a dirty cup out all night! ok, that is just gross! … hold on, it is staring right at me… ok, i feel better now… and it was only from breakfast this morning, not last night. uugghhh, that was seriously grossing me out!!

Now i have no idea where i was.. oh, well anyway… i was writing to a friend today. One of those friends that you can not live without! Even in writing to this person.. i do not feel 100% safe in ‘writing’ every thought and every fear… because once you write something.. it is out there for interpretation by whomever reads it!! Wheather it is meant for their eyes or ‘not’. Any sentence taken out of context between the 1 or 2 people intended can and most often WILL get twisted into and with the 3rd parties insecurities or life happenings of the moment. Think about it. Take any song that you LOVE… was it intended for you? for me? for joe shmoe in Atlanta when the songwriter wrote it?!! Of course not. But we all have made those songs into our own, they fit exactly OUR circumstances at the time that we here it and then that song is cemented in time to that season in our lives.

Why do you think that i have the ring back song on my phone or just the ring itself. 2 different songs for 2 completely different reasons and there has only really been 1 person to figure out why i even have them and she does not even read this thing.. I think that she is just wierd that way, you know in tune with stuff like that. Things that most of us just gloss over.

ok, this totally turned into babble as soon as i deleted… sometimes a girl just needs to babble.. maybe i will come back later, delete this and start over again.. haha

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

So many tests, such a small body… or at least that is what the radiologist said. I had the barium enema test done on monday and he said that i had an extra loop in my large intestine. That was probably why they could not finish the colonoscopy test. They were not aware of that. I am not sure when i will get those results. They did call again this morning to set up another xray, so we will see what the next steps are.

Anyway, that is the update for now.

this may sound odd.. but as a personal favor to me. If there is something that you would like to know about me, checking on my health, my son etc… do you think that you could extend to me the same courtesy that i extend to all of you.. come to me. Come here.. go to Mia because she is taking me back and forth to the hospital..

I know that you all love me and i you.. But i do not use you as the topics of my conversations.. no matter who i am talking too. So please, the Santa Ana’s were bad today.

I am having a hard night.. In part because i am dealing with the pain that still needs to be rectified by the doctors and the other part is emotional, that may or may not be rectified..

It brings to the surface all the ‘what was i thinking?’ in moving to the OC or anywhere for that matter, that is outside of the Vta bubble. You know. The one that held and STILL holds my dear husband so close and so ‘larger than life’. Am i answering it for you already?? Have i given you the last page of the book? Sorry..

There are a few that i feel ok in sharing and others i will just keep to myself. My house was hard to live in.. I think that most of you knew that. I knew that if i had moved that first year, it would have been running away or running too. And ooohhh how i wanted to. That 2nd year i also had looked down here and actually had found a place but decided to stay because i wanted to have a 2nd year in the house on my own terms. Not running but facing things, my way. But i was losing my son in the process. .. i think that the rest of that is better left unsaid.. believe it or not some of my reasons have to be left in my head.

However one of the most important reasons to get away, was to be able to be a family with my son. ‘You’ do not have to understand how moving made that possible.. it just did. My son and i have found ourselves. We are mother and son. It took moving 2/3 hrs away, a condo and a new school to make this happen (smile) but i am not going to fight it.. Gavin and i are finally getting ‘our’ time. We have never been closer. I think that i will cherish this time in our lives over all the rest..

I saw the new doctor today. He was very nice actually.. everyone here has been very pleasant. …

So, i have a low grade fever.. which concerns me because it concerns Mia.. That may not make sense to most of you, but i do not get fevers. My general temp is 94 or 95.. so when it is up in the 99s or almost 100 mark it concerns her, especially considering the rest of what has been going on. The nurse was sure that my bloodpressure would be thru the roof because of my pain level, but i am almost always in pain because of my head and that is always low as well… and of course it was.. ridiculously low.. He poked around for a while and then sent me over for some bloodwork.. i can’t remember what you call it when they want it right away… ’st?’ anyway, we did that and then he ordered some of my least favorite tests for next week… i have to have that endoscopy thing again.. the test itself is not the problem, it is getting the IV in for the anesthesia or contrast or whatever they need… the last time that they did it, they had to go thru my neck!!

As i sit and try to wrap myself around this one again, they can not do the test until wed. Which means that i am still in the original pain, surgery pain and now fever for 5 more days… He wants me to go into the hospital and i have Gavin to take care of.

I won’t even usually tell my best friend when i am in pain and he wants me to call him when the pain gets to where i can’t handle it.. ‘the point dr is that is WAS already where i could not handle it, or i would not have gone to the emerg room.. and now you are going to make me wait an additional 5 days. So what is the point of me telling you?’

Not in the hospital… went home right after surgery. Still in a lot of pain.. Spoke to the surgeon today and she was talking about how things went in there.. All of my organs looked great and for the Hemoglobin thing to drop 2 points.. ummm.. there was not enough of it that she had to clean out to make up that difference. ..and considering that i am still in the same pain as prior to the surgery, she feel as though it might have something to do with my colon.

So i have to see a gastroenterologist tomorrow and see what he has to say..

In the meantime, just dealing with the difficulty in breathing and normal pain that goes along with the kind of surg that i had… not a big deal and the cuts are not that big either. Gavin thinks that they are cool at least.

i will keep you posted..

Had to go back in yesterday because it still hurt pretty bad.. they just took my blood and pumped me full of drugs.. All seemed ok until the doctor came in and said something about my bloodwork.. my hemaglobin (?) dropped 2 points. Whatever that means.. something not good apparently. He figured that whatever cyst that i had from the night before had burst and i was bleeding internally now. He did not know how big it was or how much blood, but it needed surgery as soon as he could get the OB doctor on call to come in…. ‘thanks’ … so, he sort of bolted out of the room and then back in again.. ‘you can have more pain medicine if you want it’ hahha ‘ummm, ok’ ..

So, i am laying there by myself and my mind is a little … running away with itself. Mia is at home with the kids, my cousins are in mtgs for at least another hour and my aunt is a teacher. Basically, i am alone and my mind SUCKS!! So, i called someone that would calm me down and in the middle of my crying/freak out .. The doctor came on and started explaining all kinds of stuff that she thought was going on.. the bleeding only being part of her concern. The cyst might have burst too close to the ovary or part of the ovary and she could be taking that out too.. ‘you are done having kids, right?’ … ;( i don’t know.. and we won’t know about the malignancy of the cyst until we send it to pathology.. ;( ‘k’…

15 minutes later we were in preop and then, there we go.. ovaries are still there.. in total pain and only a few more scars to add to my collection. .. labs get back on the cyst next week for my follow up.

How was that for dramatic?? hahahahaha

WOW! was that fun.. and no. I am not forgetting the proper punctuation. … and for once it was NOT in regards to my head. Yeah?? or Now what?? It is all because of that stupid “Just Happy” blog.. dumb blog!

I thought that i might have gotten those kidney stones back again yesterday.. you know, so much pain in your back and abdomin that you do not know weather scream, cry or drop the f- bomb! None of which does any good, all of which SOUND good at the time. Even cleaning could not keep the pain at bay, hahaha and believe me, i did try.

As all of you are finding great humor in this story, so did Mia.. up until 11pm when she got my txt “ooowww”. Her reply “ER oow?” .. then i looked at my passed out, adorable little man and sent back “that depends… how comfortable and asleep were you??”.. Mia, “i’ll be over in a few. Let’s bring Gav back over here so he can sleep”……. the saga has now begun.

We get to the ER, front row parking (smile). Mia fills out my stuff and the triage nurse gets us back fairly quickly. She looks like the blonde girl from ‘Patch Adams’? or at least she could be Julia Roberts sister. Basically, she is beautiful and amazingly friendly it turns out as the night wears on. (and she loves my hair, hahaha.)… oh yeah pain, i forgot. I get to my room and they need to start the I V. Don’t worry, i did warn the nurse about my veins and showed her the best spot for success. ONE SHOT!! I was in heaven… then we went to xrays and ct scans… and then i finally got some medicine for the pain. That and 2 possible diagnosis from the different techs, actually make that 3. Could have been kidney stones, apendix or toe jam… yep, that toe jam will really just spring up on you when you least expect it… he gave me about 2 weeks if that was the final prognosis. We are hoping for one of the others… ahhhh ;( …. HA! hahahahhaha You have to find humor somewhere in the middle of the night and that whole place seemed very happy to do so.

A lot of pain, puking and trying to rest later.. we ended up getting an ultrasound because he thought i had a ‘twisted ovary’ ?? Never heard of it. Anyway, got it done and the lady ‘honestly’ was not believing me/us when i said that there was ‘no way’ that i could be pregnant. Seriously.. all the while she is jabbing that ROD up me and i am trying to not cry because it really does hurt. … and Mia is, as always being very patient and just holding my hand.. watching her best friend in total pain and trying to defend my honor at the same time.

The final result actually came in around 4:30am. He ‘thinks’ i had a ruptured cyst. “can it really hurt that bad?” … His reply just came back a simple ‘yes’..

So, there you go.. No kidney stones, but it sure as heck felt like it. Just a ruptured ovary… Yeah for my friends