Bubbles

Ok, so i said that i would keep you posted on this on-line dating thing… I don’t know if i like it. There is soooo much left out. I mean, you all know me and how i like to interact with people. I want information face to face, personal or otherwise. It just doesn’t feel right not hearing the inflection in someones voice… or the look in their eyes.. even body language. It all makes up the whole thing, experience, whatever you want to call it.

Honestly, depending on your mood, you could read the same sentence differently depending on that!! If you are feeling neglected and the sentence seems to add to that, it makes it even worse. And the intended words were not meant that way at all!! I do not know if any of this makes sense.. I don’t know how else to write it.

Let’s just say, that it feels like the worst kind of ‘foreplay’… it never gets fulfilled and you can be having that same thing with more than one person!! And I do not work that way. I need one person at a time!! I don’t play games, i don’t lie and i don’t ‘date’ more than one person at a time! …. yes, i know that i am not dating anyone… but for those of you that truly know me… you know how hard it is to drop down that guard and let someone in. I can talk for days to anyone at anytime.. that is not what i mean. I mean truly opening up and talking about things that i barely talk to any of you about! The way this thing is set up, you are almost having THOSE conversations before anything else.. and…. well i just can not ‘give’ myself that way to people. Especially when i don’t know how many others THEY are talking to.. does any of this make sense??

I mean if it sounds stupid or i need to mellow out.. lol I just don’t know how long i can be on this thing.. it is almost worse than not having it…

I just want to be done… i am not made for this kind of stuff… and all it does is make me want Tim back more.. I need that ONE person that i can talk to and KNOW that they will never leave me…. …. and Tim did!! How am i supposed to trust that again!! ….. great, i can not see anymore. The floodgates have opened..

sorry….

God uses trouble (trials) to teach us to trust him… “….troubles produce patience. And patience produces character, and character produces hope.”

This was part of the ’sermon’ that we heard today. As i was listening to him speak, my heart began to race and it brought me to something that Tim had highlighted in his bible. 2nd Peter 1: 5-11 ‘For this reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self control; and to self control, perseverance; and to persaverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins. Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.’

This got me to thinking and then pastor Rick brought it full circle… you can not take your wealth with you, you only have your character when you finally meet Christ. .. If God is going to make you like Christ, you will have to go through what He went though. … I crave that end result, to be like Christ… I fail everyday though and i realized that i don’t truly trust God… I do not trust that he is still there.. this revelation breaks my heart…

‘Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day’ 2nd Corinthians 4:16

… i feel as though they are both wasting away…

When Jesus went to Gethsemane to pray, He said this “The sorrow in my heart is so great, that it almost crushes me” Mark 14-34.. I feel this way, my heart does…

“Father everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet i want your will, not mine!” Mark 14:36 …. this i must pray every day…

My eyes filled with tears as this was being spoken… as if i needed to hear this, and hear it at this moment… I have no more words… i think that these verses speak my thoughts to the fullest..

I am tired but my mind will not rest… it is running all over the place. …. God did not design me to be alone, or to raise a child by myself. I do this now because i have no choice in the matter. But my heart breaks a little more as each day passes. I need to love and be loved in return! (and before you all come on here and tell me how much you love me… you know what i am talking about)

I do not want to be loved as Tim did. That was special and can never be replaced. I just want someone to love me as much as i love them…. to have the desire to try to out-do each other in that capacity…. I do not think that that is too much to ask, especially when God is the one that designed me to have ‘love’ to give….

I love my son more than anything and i know that he loves me too. I am his mom, it is a given. That love is special too and not to be taken lightly…. i am doing my best to be satisfied in the love of my friends and the trust that God is enough…. but i am human and my desire for what is tangible is overwhelming..

I am sure that i will awaken tomorrow feeling as though this was the dumbest thing to write… because in my heart i know that i am loved by many… the most important one being only a few feet away from me as we speak. … and the more i read the closer i will feel to my Savior and the more content i will be in His company… even as i write, i feel His comfort and renewed sense that He is in control.. and it is His timing that i must be patient for..

God, your grace in undeserved but accepted. Your love is abounding, and it is needed. I thank you Lord for your covering. Grant me the peace and understanding as i walk through this season…….

Ok.. soooo funny. A girlfriend of mine got me to try an on-line christian dating thing… i can not believe that i actually filled out the profile!! Anyway, it is totally hillarious and still am in awe of it… i have been ’smiled’ at by a few people and emailed to by a few more.. you would be AMAZED on how many people are on this thing.. sooo crazy! I will keep you posted if anything comes of it.. But right now…. it is just a little ‘new’ for me.

And how cute is this?? I totally fell asleep on the couch today and when i woke up, Gavin was sooooo cute… sitting on the chair with his blanket and reading his ‘beginner’s bible’.. my heart melted.. i was soo taken aback by how amazing that was and he was REALLY into it..

I LOVE THAT BOY!!!!!