Bubbles

I am reading this book, because the ‘new guy’ thought it will help me understand him better.. it was sweet.. he wanted me to see that he wanted to be the rescuer and protector.. the MAN.. and all of the reasons behind it.. he is adorable really..

What is happening however, is that i am completely saddened for my son… i already knew what he was missing by having his father taken from him.. and this book has just brought me to a new and updated version of tears for him… and at the same time.. it explains a lot to ‘me’ as to who ‘i’ am and why i have become the person that i have become for lack of a father growing up… and mother for that matter…

ok.. well that is not exactly fair to say.. YES i just deleted!!!! … my parents are alive.. my dad.. i do not know where he is.. i haven’t for a long time.. and i have never understood my mother.. Let’s just leave it at that..

my heart is soooo sore right now… and my fears for letting down my own son have become intensified…

“As Buechner says, ……. The trouble with steeling yourself against
the harshness of reality is that the same steel that secures your
life against being destroyed secures your life also against being
opened up and transformed. (The Sacred Journey)

Thank you God for my for my friends that you have placed all around me.. they ARE my family.. and i treasure them now and always…

please look after my son.. give him all of the things that my heart fears he is missing… wrap your arms around him and hold him like a father would hold his son.. …….. please hold my boy….

I can not believe that i am going to say this out loud.. I am falling for someone… ok.. there.. i said it…

I just deleted every word that i wrote.. hahahahaha i have a sickness.. hahaha

I think the whole thing with oh-irish one.. really messed me up.. for talking on here… Let’s try this again..

I need all of you to pray for this relationship.. no matter what phase it is in.. God has really changed me since i have moved down here.. My heart has opened up to Him and He has done great things for me… one of which is bringing this man into my life. .. I have a hard enough time opening up to my best friend and telling HER what is on my heart.. so bear with me as i stumble thru this … blog… right now…

I had love, in Tim… crap.. now i can not see… sorry, just a sec… He taught me everything that i now know about love and how to communicate in a relationship.. how to be a parent.. to be a friend.. just everything… he was my best friend and i loved/love him.. uuugghhh this sucks… …….. He was also the biggest jerk on the whole planet!!! lol he had no boundaries with any of you people and he had NO IDEA where the hamper was?? How is that possible? and you all have seen his office.. who lives that way??? please! what i wouldn’t give to be picking up his dirty, nasty, smelly dirt bike sock right now.. while that friggin truck is still on in the driveway.. and my head is about to explode… LOL His wife has the worst headaches in the world!! and he owns a harley! a dodge truck with an engine you can hear 4 blocks away and dirt bikes!! HELLO!!!! How could i NOT still love every second of this man who could not get that phone away from his head and the computer off of his lap… … i miss him still… the big jerk!! LOL

After Tim died.. i remember asking God.. well, a number of questions i am sure.. but one of them was just … i am 33… i know that you did not mean for me to be alone forever.. But..i had TIM.. what else is there?? .. crap.. floodgates… hang on…. … thank you… ok… then He allowed Irish in… that opened my eyes to know that ‘i’ was not dead too.. but obviously that was not the person for me.. he is still a dear friend though.. so no bad talking about him LOL.. …

Since i have moved here, God has done amazing things for me.. i do not know why it took moving here for me to hear him.. i think i just needed to be in a new space.. or out of that house.. i was drowning in a sea of all of the people who love me.. He has given me new life and i have never been happier.. and i think that is what He was waiting for.. and now He has brought a MAN (smile) into my life.. that i am falling for.. there is no other way to put that.. i just am.

He wants to pursue me.. i can not even express to you the feeling of joy that puts on my heart.. i ‘can’ call him if i want to.. but HE wants to be the one calling.. He wants to be the spiritual leader and be the MAN in every way.. it is sooo sweet.. He was leading worship in this singles thing that just ended.. … He sings worship songs to me on the phone.. it is sooo cool.. i swear i melt.. and you ALL know that i am the least sappy person on the planet, therfore pet names are OUT! Yeah.. he can call me whatever he wants.. (smile)… because i get a new one every day.. i swear he must have some kind of sappy name thesaurus next to him at all times, just in case we are gonna be talking..

He is gone right now in Colorado visiting his family for Christmas.. i can not talk to him the whole time .. soo sad.. because it is their time.. no phones, no computer.. family time!!! WHAT??? uuuhhhh uuuhhh LOL.. apparently, i will appreciate this when it is ‘my’ time..

OK… soooo, God… gives me a man that can love me in all of the ways that i desire soo greatly to be loved.. so completely opposite from my husband (smile) .. it can exist.. i can love someone else.. completely and sooo differently… my biggest fear is that i would not be able to love someone again.. God is showing me that that is sooo most definately not the case… .. ok, so i guess my biggest fear is failing my son.. and this would have been #2.. but you get my point..

Allright.. i have now said this outloud… so, now i need prayer.. that we will honor God first.. my son second and ourselves third… i really just want this to be blessed from the beginning.. I have Dan n Mia close by.. they are very good accountability.. and Mia reads EVERYTHING.. so nothing is hidden. ..

ok… now i am gonna go puke.. because i did not delete… LOL

love you!!

A woman’s Heart
should be so Lost
in God, that a Man
needs to seek Him,
in order to Find Her.

someone sent that to me today… it was sooo beautiful.. i just wanted to share it..
In Christ..

I have soo much to say.. LOL but i can not do it.. not yet.. but know that i love you and i am completely happy right now..

Please pray for a few things though.. i still need prayer for grace with those who are the most difficult in my life.. that my heart would not harden towards them but would remain loving and that God would work on softening their herts towards Him as well.. I will not name names.. He knows who they are..

… and my other prayer.. is that God would continue to bless the relationships that He is building down here..

Thank you God in advance for what is to come with my new friend.. thank you for opening my heart to that..

your daughter…

So, i visited a new church down here today.. it was just what i needed actually. ..and of course the pastor was speaking directly to ME and no one else in the congregation i am sure!! It is just funny how i had been trying to communicate to my ‘wise council’ about the things in my life that i AM struggling with, as well as the things in my life that seem to be getting on to track! Well, this guy put all of it out there, and confirmed it all within a few hours of worhip and ’sermon’ or whatever word you want to use to address what he did today..

The topic was on ‘peace’ and how ‘we’ as a society send out those adorable christmas pictures every year in front of the tree with thr reindeer sweaters on and the greetings ‘just so’ and attached is almost always the ‘letter’ confirming how ‘perfect’ life is going for little Janey and Jimmy.. meanwhile the carrollers are singing songs of joy, hope and peace outside our windows…. but what you do NOT see, is that Janey just hit Jimmy and mom and dad are arguing over why they have to go to who’s in-laws this year for dinner and ‘CAN WE JUST TAKE THE PICTURE… THE GAME IS ON!!!!’ LOL

The entire place erupted in laughter because i guess there was some truth in there .. some where… but we are supposed to be celebrating ‘the Prince of Peace’ during this time and our focus is on.. why do i have to put up with these people ‘again’?? Where is our heart really at? We were challenged today to love the unloveable… yikes!! I have to take myself out of the picture.. ignore what was done to me.. FOR REAL this time.. give it to God and truly love the people that cause me the most pain in my life…

Did i already say ‘yikes’??? That was my challenge.. and that is the challenge that i now extend to all of you that read this.. love those that you least desire to love… because God loved us.. and who are we to say ‘no’ to that…

In Christ…

Have you ever had one of those conversations with a dear friend about how great your life is going… and then the next day something hits you to the point of bringing you to tears??? That someone could read your life sooo wrong, you wonder.. are you looking at the same person?

I just took my son to Disneyland with some friends for his birthday.. i can not express fully to you how great a day i had with my son. He was not disrespectful or whiny or begging for a toy at every turn… he was not running all over the place or jumping on people in line… we did not have to have any ‘mommy’ talks.. and we were there ALL day!!! I mean he even came over to me towards the end of the day and was like “mommy, i just feel like everything is my fault”… my first reaction was to look around and see if something was broken… because of this downtrodden look on his face… and he just collapsed into my arms.. i was like ” buddy, what is all your fault??”.. “well.. when i do not listen..or when i am talking back to you”.. (smile) oh my goodness, it was the sweetest revelation in his little head.. like he finally understood, that he it was under HIS control and that HE could change it. I just melted and reassured him that he was a VERY good boy and that well, yes unfortunately, it was his choices to make when he does not listen etc.. but that he can change that.. and make better choices like he did today… etc etc.. and he just hugged me really tightly and it was soooooo cute. It could NOT have been a better day, really.

… and we ‘had’ been having a very hard time… because he felt almost ‘entitled’ to something every time we went somewhere because the people who were watching him felt it ok or necessary to give him something everytime they had him!! Which makes it harder on me when i get him back because he feels like … well, ‘i deserve it’ …

So, living down here has really helped in that area because ‘i’ don’t buy him stuff when we go places.. and i don’t shop.. unless absolutely necessary. So, watching him at Disneyland for goodness sakes NOT ask for something, while the other kids are getting treats was sooooo ?????? special for me…

And then there is the whole talking to God thing.. it has been amazing. I had not heard Him in a long time, i couldn’t hear Him.. and down here it is like He has come alive again… so maybe i said that out loud one too many times because i got hit and i got hit hard…

I can not say what or how.. because i don’t talk about people and i just don’t think that it would serve any purpose.. it is the lack of judgement that is the problem to begin with.. so me adding to that would just frustrate matters. So.. i would ask for prayer that i might let go of it and let God take care of it… and that my wise council will be there for me, to help keep me from reproach.

God bless you all