Bubbles

a little stressed still these days, even WITH my friends to mellow me out (smile).. this wordpress will not let me make paragraphs any more for some reason. So bear with me, i have a few random things going on today. 1) I was watching the news while i was working out, and blaring my ipod of course (smile). Trust me when i say that it was still disturbing just watching the images and reading lips. … one of the things was watching this man on trial for apparently killing his wife or girlfriend or whatever. It does not matter and i don’t care to be corrected either, the point is, that there is a CHILD left without a mother and now the ‘father’?? maybe, who knows, he looked like it anyway.. sorry, i had gwen blaring and the images were disturbing me and i promise that i will get to my REAL point in a second.. ANYWAY, this child… is left there.. my mind started wandering to Gavin and then to ‘Amanda’ (the girl who hit Tim).. and ‘his evilness’ started putting thoughts into my head. Like, how i should have made her PAY for what she did to us.. or if she only KNEW how much pain it causes us today.. or the struggles.. just that Gavin has to live without his daddy, or that he cries for him.. just thought after thought ran rampant… I mean REALLY! Can you see me in a court room?? Accusing this poor woman! ummm NO! I think that she has enough to deal with just knowing that she took some-ones LIFE!! well, at least ‘I’ would still be having nightmares about that day, if i were her… and 2) i was talking to Gavin in the car today, several hours later that is.. because YES, i was stressing about a few things. … and as only my son can.. “mom, i thought that you were done stressing?? Didn’t you just stress the other morning??” (smile)  ha ‘why yes honey, i did.. but mommy is just a little stressed still but i will be fine in a minute. It is just hard making the decisions all by myself all the time’ … “but mom! I am a good helper!? You talk to me when you have decisions to make and i am GREAT at helping you.” .. ‘yes angel, but some things are a little different. They are the things that mommy and daddy decided together and now mommy has to do them all alone….’ .. “HEY MOM!! don’t forget to turn right there!! that is where the ice cream place is!!” .. ‘ exactly my point, you are not even listening right now! so how can you help me decide on BIG stuff when the only thing that you can concentrate on, is the ICE CREAM store!’  …. (smile)…. yes, this was an exciting day.. haha  i thought that we might be getting some where?? and then that 6YR OLD thing came slamming back into view.. HA!  

God has given me a peace about where i am right now. Parts of where i am, or the parts of life that i am dealing with.. are not ‘ideal’.. but God has given me a strange peace about having all of it in my life…. He has also given me people to which i can freak out with, that can handle me and calm me down until He can resume that peace. Either thru them or on His own timing… …. the hardest part that keeps coming up is the ‘permanence’ of ALL things. I do feel like i am ok and ready to move on to someone new, if they were to come along.. and at the same time.. why will Tim not walk thru the door? It is a weird dynamic that can not be explained to someone that has not gone thru it… i can try, but unless you feel the pain of that loss day in and day out for years on end. Please don’t talk to me about it, because you have your husband… he is lying next to you……. Sooo, hold on to him tight and tell him that you love him every chance that you get… … i was lucky, because we told each other… that is what i hang on to.  …. and that does not make me sad!  I was blessed with a wonderful man!! (smile) I got to have him in my life for almost 13 years.. 11 of which, were ALL MINE  hahaha.. not exactly, as you could tell from the memorial, but you get my point.  ………. ……….. answer me this, how do you get past the first date??  hahahaha  Does that answer anyones questions about the new guy? hahaha  and NO, i will not be going back on-line. Once is enough for me. … all my love.