Bubbles

well, i feel as though it has already been said. I sat out on my porch, huddled on my rocking chair scribbling away in my journal for-ever it seemed. 

This weeks bible study was on forgiveness. We are doing 40 days of love and it is an incredible study. It goes thru everything.. even things that seem ‘duh’ to some are complete eye-openers to others and it has brought forth a healing in some relationships around me that i can see already..

we had another moment of ‘learning’ for Gavin (and myself) today… and we got rid of all of his toys. I know ‘yikes’.. it was a hard day for him, he even lost his XBOX. … It was a lesson in “my life is hard!!” really?? mixed with his constant disregard for ‘value’ in what is his.. if that makes any sense. It does not matter if it breaks, gets stolen, or just taken away. “that is ok, i will just another one” very flippantly. So, we had a little chat about how there are children with nothing, not even shoes or food in the refrigerator that he raids every chance he gets, let alone 1 toy.. My sons life is far from hard and he is surrounded by people who love him.. unfortunately, some people feel as though gift giving at every chance they get is a sign of that instead of the ‘time’ that he really craves with them…

So today we learned what it would be like to have 1 toy.. giving the rest to those who have none.. a hard lesson, but hopefully one that will add character to a child that is blessed with so much more than ‘toys’..

wow! May.. sorry..  … i am still here.. just not at my computer like i used to be. Life has taken a turn and i am going with it.. 

Gavin is loving first grade.. and the fact that i actually let him go this time  lol  We had to shave his precious locks ;(  sooo sad. We took him to trim his surfer hair and the lady made him look like ‘Dorothy Hamil’!! It was really bad, so when Mia came by that night and said that they were buzzing Jonah’s hair later, Gavin begged to buzz his as well… Johnny and i almost choked on our drinks when we heard those words.. because if any of you know Gavin, you know that his hair is like ‘Samson’!! and it is NOT to be touched.. lol lol  Let me just say that my man was MORE than happy to be the one to make my son “look like a boy finally”  lol  seriously, MEN!! lol

…. and speaking of him as my face gets red and my perma grin regains its position … we are goood! He is still a pain in my toosh  lol and i adore every inch of him. His name pops up on a txt and it still makes my day!  I don’t even have to read it  lol… I KNOW.. SAPPY!!  Whateva.. I get to be sappy people!  lol 

ummm, i just moved again!  Just to a 3bdrm because i have met another single mom with a 3yr old little boy named Zach. The boys will be sharing a room and the moms will be getting our own rooms. We just started a bible study at Saddleback on thurs mornings.. and i am still doing my morning ‘boot-camp’ workouts with some of the moms from Gavins school, which i completely love by the way. Just did it this morning, weigh-ins are on mondays… i lost 3lbs from last week!!!  oh yeah baby!!!  lol lol  

This area here that we moved into is literally across the street and 5 houses down from Mia and several of my friends..  So Gavin gets home from school, gets on his bike and does that whole.. “be home when the street lights come on mom” thing.. soo nice. The grocery store, Starbucks, pharmacy, nail place, and our favorite mexican restaraunt are all directly across the street… oh yeah, my life is really difficult… and the swimming pool, one of them that is, is less than 500 yards away.. yep, lots of reasons to leave  lol lol

ok, gotta help a friend with her kid.. will do better at keeping up on this

love everyone

“be careful what you pray/wish for” has new meaning for me lately.. I guess it has ever since i have moved down here really. God has shown me, or i have opened my eyes to see what God has been doing all along in my life i suppose… He has been ANSWERING PRAYERS.. small insignificant ones that for most people would go unnoticed, but for someone who has been longing to ‘feel’ God’s presence for sooo long.. well, it has simply taken my breath away!

… and now, it seems that He may have answered a ‘big’ one… to even mention it, feels like it could make it vanish into thin air.. if you catch my drift… i have been lying here for the last several hours, tossing and turning and if i do NOT write this out (vent, if you will) i will NEVER get any sleep!! 

God has placed a man in my life.. that i adore!!!! … and yes, my eyes are watering right now at the mere thought of writing all of this down! … Does he fit EVERY aspect of that last blog??  I would say ummmmm 99%  of it… but he has things that i did not put on there… like, he makes me feel secure in ‘us’. That may sound random.. but that is a big one for me. He makes me feel more beautiful than i have ever felt in my entire life…. from the INSIDE.. out. He cares about ‘me’ and the fact that i AM a good mom… he wouldn’t be with me if Gavin was a nightmare (smile)  He has a ‘desire’ to be a better man!! and to go to church for himself and THEN for me! Because he knows that i will not be with someone that does not go to church, or put God first.. He is reading the ‘Five Love Languages’ because i had been reading it and it intrigued him… (smile) 

I totally ADORE this man!! He just left for a month ;(  He is a welder! ok.. so picture this MAN (like a Dave Lippert that welds.. you know? like a guys guy) pulling up in his big ol’ Ford truck, sharing a room with like 4 OTHER big welder guys.. talking guns and welding and whatever else they talk about.. and my adorable, sweet, mmmm sexy as the day is long, man (smile) walking in with his Bible and The Five Love Languages!!!!!!  This is a visual that i can not get out of my head  lol  

And YES, i know that he is actually reading that book because i do not ask him EVER, by the way, when he has read or what chapter he is on etc etc.. he just randomly says “oh, i was reading last night.. and i get how i was wrong by saying that to you today, just like in the book where etc etc..”  and “i’m sorry, i see that in myself and i am working that”  … ummmm How HOT is that????!!! Ladies, buy this book!!!!  lol lol

Here is my ‘mirror’.. lol   

God’s timing.. don’t we just love it!   Ok.. here it goes ladies.. this man of mine can not really BE mine.. I told you before that he used to go riding with Tim.. well, Tim was supposed to be Best Man at Johnny’s wedding 3yrs ago… …. i will let that sink in for a minute.. ….. done??? ok… yes, Johnny is in the process of getting divorced at this moment.. they have been separated since October and signed the papers in Jan or the beginning of Feb. something like that. ……. Do ‘i’ even consider dating ANYONE that ??? … girls have that same thing that guys have.. bro’s before h.. yeah you get the picture!  and ‘i’ do not DO divorce!! these are 2 VERY large obstacles that TRUST ME were cried over and talked over and counseled etc… … i have not seen either one of them in 3 years!! and before that.. Johnny hung out with Tim and Renae was not around.. or i was sick … not JUSTIFYING!! Just making a statement.. because i like her.. she does NOT like me at the moment.. 

When i went dirt bike riding 2 months ago?… and Johnny showed up.. it was no big deal. His truck pulled up and i was sooo excited to see him because it had been 3 years since i had seen him last! I would be that excited to see??? like Navy Dave when he gets back.. but as the weekend progressed… he was no longer Johnny and Renae.. he was just Johnny…. …. what am i supposed to do with that???? i kept my mouth shut and was going to do NOTHING! we were SUPPOSED to be praying for them to get back together… and then when we left that Saturday night, i followed Johnny out.. he went north and i went south.. “call me when you get home so that i know you got there ok”.. no big deal.. “ok”   i didn’t even make it home before HE called ME and apparently he was tormented the whole weekend as well!! We are NOT supposed to be thinking of each other that way (smile)  2 1/2 hrs later and still talking … it is pretty much history after that.. I talked to Dan n Mia and my Tia Ladonna.. He called Dan and a few of the dirt bike guys.. we got council and were told pretty much the same thing… BACK off and wait until the divorce is final… 

ummmmmmm, i tried… but when you have been told how ‘amazing and wonderful’ you are… you are this, you are that, blah blah blah… BUT you don’t live in Ireland, or BUT i can’t deal with you being a mom or just BUT!!! if i hear that ONE more time.. i might actually KILL the messenger.. lol  It is NOT my fault that these people are not ready.. I am!! I have BEEN patient.. I have been faithful, i have not slept with every loser at the bars just to not feel lonely!! I have NOT gone off the deep end and left the church because i felt like God left me or something ridiculous like that!! Yes, i have fumbled along the way and made some mistakes that i am not proud of… i am GLAD that i was ‘caught’ if you will.. because it kept me from making more mistakes… but it is not my nature to be that DUMB! 

But God most definately put us in front of each other at that time for a reason… and neither one of us have been this happy in a looonng time. … He walked out of his room tonight (in Wyoming) after he had gotten into bed because he almost forgot to call ‘his girl to say good-night’… i am falling HARD for this man.. I love the feeling, but why give it to me now?? When it is not for me to have… or is that why God gave him his job that takes him away for a month here and a month there.. to help us.. because we are both falling for each other and he is not free to ‘fall’… 

So, i guess my prayer request??? i don’t know.. never been in this position before.. i have never been this open on HERE before… but this is my reality.. this is what i need from my friends.. 

Can you write what you want for your ‘perfect man’? When you … kind of .. have one??  (smile) 

I have been up, tossing and turning since about 3am.. not over this ’subject’.. i have just been up.. i am sick and i went to bed like at 8pm.. 

So, let’s see.. i am trying to remember what some of the things were at 3am..

-spiritual leader/ Godly man

-someone that will look at my son… and NOT see Tim’s child

-someone that will not be threatened by the man that came before him

-i want someone that sees.. me .. 

      -not only a mommy

      -not Tim’s wife

      -not the girl with headaches

   …. just me…

-yep, and i need someone that will not see my daily struggle with pain.. as ‘baggage’

-and my son is NOT baggage either…

-.. i need someone to understand my desire and hunger for missions.. and serving in the church and my desire to raise my son in that same fashion

-i want a ‘man’ and not a boy! 

-someone who can communicate or who has the capacity to learn!

-someone that i can trust.. 

-that i can love

-that i can ‘let’ love me.. and my son

-someone that will make me laugh

-and will let me be feisty

-i need someone who will challenge me

- and most of all… i want someone who will make me WANT to be a better woman… 

…….. i am sure that there are more things to add to this list… and i might keep adding later.. but right now??? i think that i am good..

hugs to all of you

Ok… it is Tia Ladonna’s birthday today!!  

soooooo…

Happy, Happy Birthday from all of us to you

We wish it was our Birthday

So we could party too

Hey!!!

hehehe  I love you girl!! Have a good day my friend!!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

we had a great time at the ER and it wasn’t for ME!! whooppee!!!  hehehehe

So, Gavin has been rubbing his eyes and sneezing for weeks.. no big deal. So, when yet ANOTHER day of this is happening.. why do i care? or even notice?  I go about my business, organizing my file folders, yeah for me, they have been bugging me and it is already April for goodness sakes!!  So around 11:30pm when i finish my project… i go check on Gav.. tuck him in etc… and his eye is DISGUSTING!!!!  But what am i gonna do NOW!! freak him out, ummmm i don’t think so!!  I txt Mia to see if she is awake, Jonah has had it several times and he may have some medicine left to get us thru the night… and i am NOT going anywhere until the morning (smile) … yeah uh, huh..  at 2:30AM!!  and no return txt from my sleeping beauty friend  hehe  a screaming girl, i mean Gavin comes fumbling into my room because he can not open his eyes (so sad) they are nasty and goopy and he is NOT happy… so we clean him up and start throwing EVERYTHING into the washing machine, antibacterial soap Gavin’s hands every 30 seconds… even his stuffed animals got a cleaning that night and the next morning.. yeah for pink eye!!

Anyway, off to the ER for sad faced little man to calm down, luckily his insurance ends at the END of this month!!  and happily no one cares about the ER down here at 2:30 am.. the doctor saw him gave him the drops while we we there, no pharmacy (smile) thank you doctor!!  However, he proceeded to tell Gavin NOT to be scared if after he fell back asleep, that when he woke up!! He would probably wake up with his eye gooped shut again!!!!!!!!!!  But don’t be scared, your mom will be there etc… Gavin did not here anything after gooped shut, his face curled, got red and tears flowed down his face… he was so scared.. he hated waking up that way.. there was nothing to console him, i mean nothing!!!!!!!!!! so, he made up at that moment in his little mind, NOT to go back to sleep!!!

Am i tired??  uhh, yeah.. Gavin made it until 7:30 pm last night without a nap! or anything… which means that “i” made it through all of that time pretty much without it and i started out not going to bed until after 11 the night before.. so tired might be an understatement at the moment… and i decided to get my butt back into the gym that i have been ignoring and so i am a little sore as well… NO, not complaining!! i love that soreness… just a statement of …. wow, am i tired at the moment.. and i guess i know why.. hahaha

BUT, i realized while talking to a girlfriend yesterday that i am now in 3 mom’s groups and that does not include the play-dates that Gavin and i have with the mom’s/ kids from school when he gets out every day.. we go to the park and hang out with several of the mom’s (i hang out with the mom’s i mean  hehe) 2 to 3 times a week and we are there for about 2 hours? i would say.. i have mom’s group with ‘Mia’s mom’s’   hehe on friday mornings, on tues i now go to a prayer group and just starting is a bible study on thursdays.. which by the way was supposed to start this week!! but pink eye took over and now we start next week… how cool is that!! 3 different women’s things, well, 4 actually.. almost all of them surrounded by Christian women and the other i am hoping to be a light in that area and i already know that some of them are Christians and we talk openly about church and we do not have to hide or change our wording to keep that a ’secret’ .. ya know?  and i have had some of the women ask questions of me already, and we have only been doing ‘park days’ for the last month or 2.. it is usually when the other mom’s leave and there are just a few of us left.. but conversation is there  (smile)

God is definitely at work in Ladera!!!   You know you are a proud momma Tia!  hehe  i am stepping out of my comfort zone and making new friends… hehe  spreading the Word  (smile)  OHH!! and yes, i have got my toosh back in gear and have been reading my bible every day!!!! 

(smile)   hehehe

For those of you that do NOT know… i have been seeing someone for a few weeks now… and NO, not another ‘on-line-er’  hehe  An actual, in the flesh, oh my goodness have you seen this guy without his shirt on!! kind of thing  (smile)

Let me think of how much i really want to say.. He has been a friend of ours from before. He used to go dirt-bike riding with Tim all of the time.. with Tad and Dan Mcgranahan as well.. and all of the other ‘dirt-bike’ crowd that went camping etc…

I want to be with him every day… which of course is impossible because he lives in VENTURA!!! and i am here..

Yes, my wise council knows all about the situation.. they both know him and Dan and Mia have spoken to him.. i have heard both sets of my council.. and am doing my best to listen to their guidance.. failing in some areas (smile, Tia) but i think that we are doing pretty good at going through this with open eyes and talking with them through the whole thing…. 

Let’s just say.. it is nice to NOT be hiding.. or pretending that i do not feel the way that i do about someone.. which is what i was made to do in the past or just got used to doing for fear that no-one was ready for me to be with someone besides Tim… in real life.. not just in theory.. 

and yes, he is going to church (smile).. i know that this question is in the back or front of your minds!!   he reads to me when he finds a cool passage that strikes him.. he txts me about 4 times a day and we talk 2-3 times a day.. thank heaven that we both have verizon (smile)

I am happy… I hope that it is in God’s will to remain that way..

Sooo, Gavin was having a great week/ weekend.. learning how to ride his bike, going down to the jetty and climbing on the rocks.. almost getting blown off by some waves!! very cool in little boy language, by the way! seeing starfish on the rocks below where usually only tiny little crabs dwell.. playing at Auntie Mia’s almost every day and play-dates with more friends!!  This kids life is NOT hard!

Well, last night on the way home from my Aunts house (bbq and MORE bike riding)  we were discussing life and that mommy pulls double duty, mom and dad, and that it is MY job to make sure that he turns out to be a godly young man. But he is LUCKY, because we spend so much time with Auntie Mia that he gets help from them too!! She helps mommy to make sure that ‘i’ am a godly woman etc etc.. this is a long story, just trying to cut it back (smile)  and then Gavin chimes in “and Uncle Dan!! is there if to guide me if i need a MAN!”.. ummm.. well, sure honey.. haha.. and in my head, i know that Dan works VERY hard and is gone on trips quite often.. so i know that it is really Mia and i that are the ‘double duty’ ones here.. but the fact that he has finally chosen a MALE figure to go to when he needs ‘guidance’ has also brought a warmth to my heart.. soo ‘yes baby, Uncle Dan is perfect for that!!!’  hehe  not 2 seconds after this comes out of my mouth!!  ”so, Uncle Dan will save me if someone tries to take me away from you right? He will be able to get to me before the bad man takes me to his house and takes me away forever??” …… ….. 

……. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  and ummmm yeah WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!  without LYING to my son… yes, Uncle Dan will be one of the first people looking, if someone tries to take you baby! and trying to re-affirm the love that Vta has for him as well!!  and everyone in Vta would drop whatever THEY were doing to come down here as well.. even big Gavin!! and his non-calling back-ness that drives your little heart crazy.. we know that he has Jesus in his heart, but God help the person that tries to hurt you if big Gavin found out!! (smile) … and then the flood gates opened  ”and what about Uncle Jeff, and Uncle Kevin… (sobs) and Uncle Joe and Uncle Tim.. will they stop working too and come to find me??” (these are my cousins down here, that obviously work alot)  …. i have now lost a little patience with this.. so i made him unbuckle his seatbelt , yes, call child protective services!!  and climb into the front seat.. he was not really consolable.. so, when we finally got to the house and parked the car, we prayed.. which got the sobs down for about 30 seconds.. and then i asked him if he would feel better if we called Uncle Dan.. 

Mia answers.. can i talk to your husband please.. ummm k??  lol  So, Dan.. Gavin thinks that someone is going to steal him and he wants to make sure that you are going to keep him safe.. yep.. (smile) “ok” So Gav gets on the phone, he is sitting in my lap.. so i can .. kinda here Dan, but not really. All i get is a soft ‘man-voice’ on one end.. something about “are you scared? do you know what i do when i am scared?”  something about having to do with thinking about Jesus and that Dan loves him.. i don’t know.. and on Gavin’s end. “yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes”  hahahaha  about 30 times.. and then “here’s my mom, oh sorry, i love you Uncle Dan.. now here’s my mom”

Then i get to talk to Mia and Gavin goes up to MY bed with about 15 stuffed dragons and dinosaurs to keep him safe at night! So, yes, i got to sleep with my son and a village of animals.. luckily my cal-king bed can handle it!

no wonder i am still tired..

ok.. so Mia gave me something the other day from a friend of ‘hers’.. it is a list of prayers that this woman says for her son every day actually.. it is amazing.. and so i am going to share it with all of you.. all you have to do is insert ‘your’ child’s name.. instead os Gavin’s and it will make sense.. ok?? ok

Ephesians 2:10

We are His making, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared ahead of time that we should walk in them. 

Father, thank you for the assurance that You are always at work in Gavin’s life. Help him see that to follow You never means to throw away who You made him to be.

Joshua 1:9

Be strong and courageous, do not be terrified for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go! Lord, Please give Gavin Your courage and Your strength to do what You have called him to do! That he will have no fear, because You are always with him!

Acts 1:8

You will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witness.

Romans 8:9

You receive the Holy Spirit when you receive Christ.

Lord, We are amazed that You choose to share so personally this life of Gavin’s. Today he needs Your power. May he surrender to Your leadership, fully equipped by Your Holy Spirit to do what You have called him to do. Thank you Lord that You have put him in the position that he is in to be Your witness! Use Gavin Lord!

Luke 18:27

What is impossible with men Is possible with God!

Lord, make Gavin aware of the constant reminders of your presence in his life. Help Gavin have Your assurance, that anything is possible with You! That You care about every aspect of his life. Teach Gavin to pour out his heart to You and to trust You more each day.

Philippians 4:6-7

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the Peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.

Thank you Lord for loving Gavin so much! That he doesn’t have to fear anything! Thank you Lord that Gavin loves You so much! Praise You Lord for Your peace that does guard, that we can’t comprehend.

Psalm 32:8

The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you!”

Lord.. I pray that You give Gavin PEACE today as You guide him. Thank You that You always watch over him.

Psalm 46:10

Be still and know that I am God!

I pray that Gavin will be comforted in Your hands Lord.

Jeremiah 29:11

I know what i am planning for you says the Lord. “I have good plans for you, not plans that will harm you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a future.”

Lord, Please show Gavin.. no, let him see through Your eyes the many gifts and talents that You have given him to be used for Your glory! That You don’t want anything to hurt or harm him. That You made him the way that he is to be used for Your glory! You have a good plan for his life, help him to trust You for his future and give him the hope in You that he needs to face each moment.

Lord,

I lift Gavin up to You and ask that You would put a hedge of protection around him. Protect his spirit, body, mind and emotions from any kind of evil or harm. I pray specifically for protection from accidents, disease, injury or any other physical, mental or emotional abuse. I pray that Gavin will make his refuge in the shadow of Your wings until any danger has passed him by. I cry out to You God Most High, to You who will fulfill Your purposes for Gavin. (Psalm 57 1-2)  Hide him from any kind of evil influences that would come against him. Keep him safe from any hidden dangers and let no weapon formed against him be able to prosper. Thank You Lord for Your many promises of protection. Help Gavin to walk in Your ways and in obedience to Your will. And in the Palm of Your hands. 

ok.. so everything was good here on the home-front.. or so i like to pretend (smile) /believe  most of the time.. and in all honesty, everything IS  good. However, as i was so lovingly reminded this past week, that this sunday holds a date that the ‘rest of the nation’ needs to remind them people do not know how to drive!! and this is in fact April  lol.. 

Honestly, i have 364 OTHER days of the year to remind me……. that my husband is gone…. and the face.. of an adorable angel that stares back at me every day! .. and as only HE can do.. “mommy, please don’t ever leave me?!” .. what?? “i don’t want you to die” … ….. yeah… this is what ‘i’ get on a daily basis.. i don’t need sunday to tell me that Tim is gone.. an empty house and Gavin, do that just fine, thank you very much…

Trying to explain this to people that NEED that day?? or NEED to imortalize a place that my husband was killed??????  ummmm  not worth it.. and they are still not in a place to ‘truly’ understand. It is and always will be about them and their pain… it is ok.. ……. one day maybe they will realize that it is not about them, it is about a little boy who has lost a father and is deathly afraid of now losing his mother..

my son has never been ‘a child’ … he is a little boy with an adult trapped in there just waiting to be released.  But, he is a child.. and a child’s mind is just not something to play with! … and my poor son has been dealt a cruel hand.. my heart aches for his little mind and the things that are obviously going on up there if he is concerned about me ‘leaving’ him!! … uugghh  my eyes hurt!!  rough night/ morning.

i don’t know… i am having a hard time at the moment.. i am sure that i will be bubbly later today or tomorrow.. nothing a good night sleep or a work-out can’t cure!  hehe

this is our life….. welcome to it