Bubbles

had a ‘daddy day’ with Gavin today.. he opened up more than he has in a .. very.. long time.. I will not publish what was said between us in such a ‘public forum’ .. or to anyone else for that matter….. those conversations are for Gavin and i.. and need to remain so if he is going to ‘trust’ me when we come together in those moments… and rightly so.. I was never given that respect.. and i will be damned if my son is not given that, by me or anyone else around me..

Today was a good/bad/good (smile) day for the two of us.. he is such a good boy. I wish that his daddy were here to see him. …

My heart aches as he searches to fill the ‘hole’ in our family that his daddy will never be able to fill… he did not ‘choose’ to leave us.. i can not ‘call him’ and ask him to come home… ……. my heart just aches

more daily frustrations with Asher’s father… i wish that i could say that every day is ‘roses’ in my house, but that would be a lie. I do my very best to keep a smile on my face during the day for the boys. They do not need to ‘see’, let alone ‘know’ about the daily drama’s that seem to follow our little family.

.. I do my best to shield them from the outside forces that are ‘attacking’ from what seems like about ‘4 corners’ at the moment… and they will NEVER hear a bad word about ANY of those ‘bad forces’.. … they will not hear it from ‘me’.. and i will NOT allow any bad mouthing about anyone else in my house either..

This is all easily controlled at the moment, Asher is not even 2yrs old yet and just beginning his verbal skills. .. no complete, solid sentences yet. … one of my greatest fears, is for when he ‘has’ those complete sentences … and is coming home from his long weekends with his father..

… and Gavin… just watching all of this ‘play out’… he does not know what is going on? but yes he does… he is closing off in some ways and it is breaking my heart.. every time that he sees me being quiet?? he knows that Asher’s dad has done something again.. what? he will not be told.. but he does not need it.. it just makes him more mad.. and then he closes off and goes to his room and stays there by himself for a while until he calms himself down… ;(

then i end up with a picture from him that is very sweet followed by a little cuddling.. 🙂

My boys are soooo sweet and sooo special. I am not sure how i am this lucky to have been blessed with these precious angels. They have been through so much, yet they both are the most amazingly sweet, happy, polite and well behaved boys ever. … i love them “more than all the love in the whole wide world” (that is what Gavin tells me)

It is still spring break this week for Gavin and luckily the rain is holding off. As we looked outside this morning, the sky was stunningly beautiful! It was a bit cold out, as threats of ‘thunderstorms’ were all over the news 😉 But you would never know that if you took a step outdoors.. and they had been threatening this junk all week! Finally tred of waiting it out, we bundled up and just jumped into the car 😉 The boys were MORE than happy, as Santa Barbara Zoo is one of their most special places to go.
On the way up, we chatted about which animals we wanted to see. Which ones would be hiding away, because they are almost ALWAYS hiding. Who would get to see the new baby giraffe first… he is sooo cute, Asher and i got to see him the last time that we were there. They had ‘just’ let him come out from behind the fence. He is sooo small and mellow. Asher could stay next to that exhibit forever!!
Once we got there, Gavin’s overprotectiveness struck into gear immediately! It usually does. It is as if i do not exist. lol He shuffles Asher along with his arm accross his back… the whole time Asher peeks his head around looking for me, asking me if i am still coming with them simultaneously pushing Gavin’s arm off of him lol lol He is a ‘big boy’ he can walk all by himself ya know?!!
Oh man, but if brother gets too far ahead?? ‘GAVIN!!’ ‘GAVIN” “BROTHER” … this could go on for about 30 seconds.. because like any ‘mother’, we tune out our names and the word ‘mom’.. well, as Gavin fancy’s himself the same thing?? he has DONE the same thing.. lol poor Asher.. it is the cutest thing to watch in the world when they are right next to each other.. .. whatEVER Gavin does, Asher will do the SAME exact thing. One sits, the other one does.. runinng.. running… singing.. singing 😉 it is cute
Well, we got to see the otter’s sleeping, capybarra’s, alligator’s, snow leopard, lots of monkey’s, elephants, penguin’s, lion’s, a sleeping gorilla- right next to the glass… soo extremely cool, the baby giraffe AND we even got to FEED one of the giraffe’s today 😉 then we played on the playground for a while and right before we left for the day we HAD to visit th EEEWWW section lol for those of you who do ‘not’ know what that is. It is the ‘creepy crawly’ area 😉 The boys LOVE it! PLUS you get to push this button by the ‘hissing cockroaches’? and you get to hear them ‘hiss’ too lol lol Asher thinks that that is the ‘coolest’ part 😉

Well, it was an amazing day, as usual, with my sweethearts. It could not have gone any better. The boys were sooo sweet to each other. Gavin took great care of his little brother. He even helped him slide down the hill in the play area and stood extra close to him when he was scared of the sleeping gorilla. .. What i would have given to have had someone like Gavin to look out for me like that. … I hope that Asher will appreciate how lucky he is to have a brother like Gavin… what a great role model so far…

such a proud mommy haha

Blogging again… not exactly ‘my idea’.. but that of my counsellor. I am hoping that with time this will lead and/or help in whatever ‘healing’ process he has in store for me… … i was not prepared to see/deal with what ‘blog’s’ lay silent and still, just waiting for me to come back to them.

It has been ‘years’.. so much has happened in that time, so much that i would love to put behind me.. and yet these blog’s bring back added torment to that time… it ought to make for a lovely counselling appt next week though lol

ok… this is enough for my first day back

well, i feel as though it has already been said. I sat out on my porch, huddled on my rocking chair scribbling away in my journal for-ever it seemed. 

This weeks bible study was on forgiveness. We are doing 40 days of love and it is an incredible study. It goes thru everything.. even things that seem ‘duh’ to some are complete eye-openers to others and it has brought forth a healing in some relationships around me that i can see already..

we had another moment of ‘learning’ for Gavin (and myself) today… and we got rid of all of his toys. I know ‘yikes’.. it was a hard day for him, he even lost his XBOX. … It was a lesson in “my life is hard!!” really?? mixed with his constant disregard for ‘value’ in what is his.. if that makes any sense. It does not matter if it breaks, gets stolen, or just taken away. “that is ok, i will just another one” very flippantly. So, we had a little chat about how there are children with nothing, not even shoes or food in the refrigerator that he raids every chance he gets, let alone 1 toy.. My sons life is far from hard and he is surrounded by people who love him.. unfortunately, some people feel as though gift giving at every chance they get is a sign of that instead of the ‘time’ that he really craves with them…

So today we learned what it would be like to have 1 toy.. giving the rest to those who have none.. a hard lesson, but hopefully one that will add character to a child that is blessed with so much more than ‘toys’..

wow! May.. sorry.. 😦  … i am still here.. just not at my computer like i used to be. Life has taken a turn and i am going with it.. 

Gavin is loving first grade.. and the fact that i actually let him go this time  lol  We had to shave his precious locks ;(  sooo sad. We took him to trim his surfer hair and the lady made him look like ‘Dorothy Hamil’!! It was really bad, so when Mia came by that night and said that they were buzzing Jonah’s hair later, Gavin begged to buzz his as well… Johnny and i almost choked on our drinks when we heard those words.. because if any of you know Gavin, you know that his hair is like ‘Samson’!! and it is NOT to be touched.. lol lol  Let me just say that my man was MORE than happy to be the one to make my son “look like a boy finally”  lol  seriously, MEN!! lol

…. and speaking of him 😉 as my face gets red and my perma grin regains its position 😉 … we are goood! He is still a pain in my toosh  lol and i adore every inch of him. His name pops up on a txt and it still makes my day!  I don’t even have to read it  lol… I KNOW.. SAPPY!!  Whateva.. I get to be sappy people!  lol 

ummm, i just moved again!  Just to a 3bdrm because i have met another single mom with a 3yr old little boy named Zach. The boys will be sharing a room and the moms will be getting our own rooms. We just started a bible study at Saddleback on thurs mornings.. and i am still doing my morning ‘boot-camp’ workouts with some of the moms from Gavins school, which i completely love by the way. Just did it this morning, weigh-ins are on mondays… i lost 3lbs from last week!!!  oh yeah baby!!!  lol lol  

This area here that we moved into is literally across the street and 5 houses down from Mia 😉 and several of my friends.. 😉  So Gavin gets home from school, gets on his bike and does that whole.. “be home when the street lights come on mom” thing.. soo nice. The grocery store, Starbucks, pharmacy, nail place, and our favorite mexican restaraunt are all directly across the street… oh yeah, my life is really difficult… and the swimming pool, one of them that is, is less than 500 yards away.. yep, lots of reasons to leave  lol lol

ok, gotta help a friend with her kid.. will do better at keeping up on this

love everyone

“be careful what you pray/wish for” has new meaning for me lately.. I guess it has ever since i have moved down here really. God has shown me, or i have opened my eyes to see what God has been doing all along in my life i suppose… He has been ANSWERING PRAYERS.. small insignificant ones that for most people would go unnoticed, but for someone who has been longing to ‘feel’ God’s presence for sooo long.. well, it has simply taken my breath away!

… and now, it seems that He may have answered a ‘big’ one… to even mention it, feels like it could make it vanish into thin air.. if you catch my drift… i have been lying here for the last several hours, tossing and turning and if i do NOT write this out (vent, if you will) i will NEVER get any sleep!! 

God has placed a man in my life.. that i adore!!!! … and yes, my eyes are watering right now at the mere thought of writing all of this down! … Does he fit EVERY aspect of that last blog??  I would say ummmmm 99%  of it… but he has things that i did not put on there… like, he makes me feel secure in ‘us’. That may sound random.. but that is a big one for me. He makes me feel more beautiful than i have ever felt in my entire life…. from the INSIDE.. out. He cares about ‘me’ and the fact that i AM a good mom… he wouldn’t be with me if Gavin was a nightmare (smile)  He has a ‘desire’ to be a better man!! and to go to church for himself and THEN for me! Because he knows that i will not be with someone that does not go to church, or put God first.. He is reading the ‘Five Love Languages’ because i had been reading it and it intrigued him… (smile) 

I totally ADORE this man!! He just left for a month ;(  He is a welder! ok.. so picture this MAN (like a Dave Lippert that welds.. you know? like a guys guy) pulling up in his big ol’ Ford truck, sharing a room with like 4 OTHER big welder guys.. talking guns and welding and whatever else they talk about.. and my adorable, sweet, mmmm sexy as the day is long, man (smile) walking in with his Bible and The Five Love Languages!!!!!!  This is a visual that i can not get out of my head  lol  

And YES, i know that he is actually reading that book because i do not ask him EVER, by the way, when he has read or what chapter he is on etc etc.. he just randomly says “oh, i was reading last night.. and i get how i was wrong by saying that to you today, just like in the book where etc etc..”  and “i’m sorry, i see that in myself and i am working that”  … ummmm How HOT is that????!!! Ladies, buy this book!!!!  lol lol

Here is my ‘mirror’.. lol   

God’s timing.. don’t we just love it!   Ok.. here it goes ladies.. this man of mine can not really BE mine.. I told you before that he used to go riding with Tim.. well, Tim was supposed to be Best Man at Johnny’s wedding 3yrs ago… …. i will let that sink in for a minute.. ….. done??? ok… yes, Johnny is in the process of getting divorced at this moment.. they have been separated since October and signed the papers in Jan or the beginning of Feb. something like that. ……. Do ‘i’ even consider dating ANYONE that ??? … girls have that same thing that guys have.. bro’s before h.. yeah you get the picture!  and ‘i’ do not DO divorce!! these are 2 VERY large obstacles that TRUST ME were cried over and talked over and counseled etc… … i have not seen either one of them in 3 years!! and before that.. Johnny hung out with Tim and Renae was not around.. or i was sick … not JUSTIFYING!! Just making a statement.. because i like her.. she does NOT like me at the moment.. 

When i went dirt bike riding 2 months ago?… and Johnny showed up.. it was no big deal. His truck pulled up and i was sooo excited to see him because it had been 3 years since i had seen him last! I would be that excited to see??? like Navy Dave when he gets back.. but as the weekend progressed… he was no longer Johnny and Renae.. he was just Johnny…. …. what am i supposed to do with that???? i kept my mouth shut and was going to do NOTHING! we were SUPPOSED to be praying for them to get back together… and then when we left that Saturday night, i followed Johnny out.. he went north and i went south.. “call me when you get home so that i know you got there ok”.. no big deal.. “ok”   i didn’t even make it home before HE called ME and apparently he was tormented the whole weekend as well!! We are NOT supposed to be thinking of each other that way (smile)  2 1/2 hrs later and still talking … it is pretty much history after that.. I talked to Dan n Mia and my Tia Ladonna.. He called Dan and a few of the dirt bike guys.. we got council and were told pretty much the same thing… BACK off and wait until the divorce is final… 

ummmmmmm, i tried… but when you have been told how ‘amazing and wonderful’ you are… you are this, you are that, blah blah blah… BUT you don’t live in Ireland, or BUT i can’t deal with you being a mom or just BUT!!! if i hear that ONE more time.. i might actually KILL the messenger.. lol  It is NOT my fault that these people are not ready.. I am!! I have BEEN patient.. I have been faithful, i have not slept with every loser at the bars just to not feel lonely!! I have NOT gone off the deep end and left the church because i felt like God left me or something ridiculous like that!! Yes, i have fumbled along the way and made some mistakes that i am not proud of… i am GLAD that i was ‘caught’ if you will.. because it kept me from making more mistakes… but it is not my nature to be that DUMB! 

But God most definately put us in front of each other at that time for a reason… and neither one of us have been this happy in a looonng time. … He walked out of his room tonight (in Wyoming) after he had gotten into bed because he almost forgot to call ‘his girl to say good-night’… i am falling HARD for this man.. I love the feeling, but why give it to me now?? When it is not for me to have… or is that why God gave him his job that takes him away for a month here and a month there.. to help us.. because we are both falling for each other and he is not free to ‘fall’… 

So, i guess my prayer request??? i don’t know.. never been in this position before.. i have never been this open on HERE before… but this is my reality.. this is what i need from my friends.. 

Can you write what you want for your ‘perfect man’? When you … kind of .. have one??  (smile) 

I have been up, tossing and turning since about 3am.. not over this ‘subject’.. i have just been up.. i am sick and i went to bed like at 8pm.. 

So, let’s see.. i am trying to remember what some of the things were at 3am..

-spiritual leader/ Godly man

-someone that will look at my son… and NOT see Tim’s child

-someone that will not be threatened by the man that came before him

-i want someone that sees.. me .. 

      -not only a mommy

      -not Tim’s wife

      -not the girl with headaches

   …. just me…

-yep, and i need someone that will not see my daily struggle with pain.. as ‘baggage’

-and my son is NOT baggage either…

-.. i need someone to understand my desire and hunger for missions.. and serving in the church and my desire to raise my son in that same fashion

-i want a ‘man’ and not a boy! 

-someone who can communicate or who has the capacity to learn!

-someone that i can trust.. 

-that i can love

-that i can ‘let’ love me.. and my son

-someone that will make me laugh

-and will let me be feisty

-i need someone who will challenge me

– and most of all… i want someone who will make me WANT to be a better woman… 

…….. i am sure that there are more things to add to this list… and i might keep adding later.. but right now??? i think that i am good..

hugs to all of you

Ok… it is Tia Ladonna’s birthday today!!  

soooooo…

Happy, Happy Birthday from all of us to you

We wish it was our Birthday

So we could party too

Hey!!!

hehehe  I love you girl!! Have a good day my friend!!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

we had a great time at the ER and it wasn’t for ME!! whooppee!!!  hehehehe

So, Gavin has been rubbing his eyes and sneezing for weeks.. no big deal. So, when yet ANOTHER day of this is happening.. why do i care? or even notice?  I go about my business, organizing my file folders, yeah for me, they have been bugging me and it is already April for goodness sakes!!  So around 11:30pm when i finish my project… i go check on Gav.. tuck him in etc… and his eye is DISGUSTING!!!!  But what am i gonna do NOW!! freak him out, ummmm i don’t think so!!  I txt Mia to see if she is awake, Jonah has had it several times and he may have some medicine left to get us thru the night… and i am NOT going anywhere until the morning (smile) … yeah uh, huh..  at 2:30AM!!  and no return txt from my sleeping beauty friend  hehe  a screaming girl, i mean Gavin comes fumbling into my room because he can not open his eyes (so sad) they are nasty and goopy and he is NOT happy… so we clean him up and start throwing EVERYTHING into the washing machine, antibacterial soap Gavin’s hands every 30 seconds… even his stuffed animals got a cleaning that night and the next morning.. yeah for pink eye!!

Anyway, off to the ER for sad faced little man to calm down, luckily his insurance ends at the END of this month!!  and happily no one cares about the ER down here at 2:30 am.. the doctor saw him gave him the drops while we we there, no pharmacy (smile) thank you doctor!!  However, he proceeded to tell Gavin NOT to be scared if after he fell back asleep, that when he woke up!! He would probably wake up with his eye gooped shut again!!!!!!!!!!  But don’t be scared, your mom will be there etc… Gavin did not here anything after gooped shut, his face curled, got red and tears flowed down his face… he was so scared.. he hated waking up that way.. there was nothing to console him, i mean nothing!!!!!!!!!! so, he made up at that moment in his little mind, NOT to go back to sleep!!!

Am i tired??  uhh, yeah.. Gavin made it until 7:30 pm last night without a nap! or anything… which means that “i” made it through all of that time pretty much without it and i started out not going to bed until after 11 the night before.. so tired might be an understatement at the moment… and i decided to get my butt back into the gym that i have been ignoring and so i am a little sore as well… NO, not complaining!! i love that soreness… just a statement of …. wow, am i tired at the moment.. and i guess i know why.. hahaha

BUT, i realized while talking to a girlfriend yesterday that i am now in 3 mom’s groups and that does not include the play-dates that Gavin and i have with the mom’s/ kids from school when he gets out every day.. we go to the park and hang out with several of the mom’s (i hang out with the mom’s i mean  hehe) 2 to 3 times a week and we are there for about 2 hours? i would say.. i have mom’s group with ‘Mia’s mom’s’   hehe on friday mornings, on tues i now go to a prayer group and just starting is a bible study on thursdays.. which by the way was supposed to start this week!! but pink eye took over and now we start next week… how cool is that!! 3 different women’s things, well, 4 actually.. almost all of them surrounded by Christian women and the other i am hoping to be a light in that area and i already know that some of them are Christians and we talk openly about church and we do not have to hide or change our wording to keep that a ‘secret’ .. ya know?  and i have had some of the women ask questions of me already, and we have only been doing ‘park days’ for the last month or 2.. it is usually when the other mom’s leave and there are just a few of us left.. but conversation is there  (smile)

God is definitely at work in Ladera!!!   You know you are a proud momma Tia!  hehe  i am stepping out of my comfort zone and making new friends… hehe  spreading the Word  (smile)  OHH!! and yes, i have got my toosh back in gear and have been reading my bible every day!!!! 

(smile)   hehehe